Clarity
I just got a bit of news that made me feel some type of way. I'm like really?..What the hell?...Really? I was pregnant with my second child and was torn between spending the extra time with my boys. Actually, I wanted to spend the extra time with my family but I was slightly concerned with going back earlier in attempts on moving up the corporate ladder. I decided to take a step back to raise my family. I found out that a position that I wanted wasn't even available became available and was filled.
I've always felt like in the business corporate world I didn't belong. But, I constantly tried and forced it to work. I worked hard really hard for some people that did not care about me or my well being but yet and still I continued to work hard. But, it never really gotten me anywhere. Why keep trying at something when people don't give a shit about you? Fear of failure. Failure that despite all my efforts I couldn't gain that promotion or that position. So, I would give it my all regardless because I feel like my work ethic should speak for itself instead of playing some corporate game to get ahead.
Plus, a mother that wouldn't allow me to quit. She said that she wasn't going to put us in anything for us to quit. Or embarrass her for that matter now that I think about it. So, I would have to work and prove that I was serious about something and wasn't going to quit. She would say I'm too wishy washy and couldn't/wouldn't commit to something or make a decision. You're probably reading this and saying damn you gave up a lot. No, I just never had the opportunity to prove anything different.
In the workplace, I was too "happy" to bubbly of a personality so now I'm more reserved. I tried to conformed and fit in and still wasn't good enough. Constant heart break and changing of myself to be something that wasn't really me. I've changed so far from myself that I feel like I don't know how to get back to that fun, happy, go lucky girl. Sad... really... cause I miss her.
I always would sit there and be like "Damn it! When is it going to be my time?" being frustrated, upset, and then cry.
So, I forced myself to fit in change from my true self for people that didn't give a damn about me. I would get mad and frustrated when things wouldn't work out because I allowed these people to change me and devalue my worth. And then blame them for what they done to me when it was something I allowed them to. In turn I was mad at them when I should have been mad at myself. But, I didn't know that then. It's something I just realized now.
Realizing that I was slightly thinking about given up my time with my family when it wasn't right in my spirit to do so. I would have fallen down the same path had I have went against my first mind and would have been mad probably down right furious had it not worked out.
Now, I realized I can't be tamed. I'm in my 30's and I am more outspoken and people don't like that. Why should I? I wasted all of my 20's and the better part of my life being quiet.
This just gave me clarification to keep working toward what I have recently started. That I was never meant to be there anyway. Let my husband tell it I should have left long time ago because he saw my worth when everyone else didn't. I will never regret my decision to take the path and be with my family. They are the greatest gift that I've ever been giving.
I think I just gained clarity.
I've always felt like in the business corporate world I didn't belong. But, I constantly tried and forced it to work. I worked hard really hard for some people that did not care about me or my well being but yet and still I continued to work hard. But, it never really gotten me anywhere. Why keep trying at something when people don't give a shit about you? Fear of failure. Failure that despite all my efforts I couldn't gain that promotion or that position. So, I would give it my all regardless because I feel like my work ethic should speak for itself instead of playing some corporate game to get ahead.
Plus, a mother that wouldn't allow me to quit. She said that she wasn't going to put us in anything for us to quit. Or embarrass her for that matter now that I think about it. So, I would have to work and prove that I was serious about something and wasn't going to quit. She would say I'm too wishy washy and couldn't/wouldn't commit to something or make a decision. You're probably reading this and saying damn you gave up a lot. No, I just never had the opportunity to prove anything different.
In the workplace, I was too "happy" to bubbly of a personality so now I'm more reserved. I tried to conformed and fit in and still wasn't good enough. Constant heart break and changing of myself to be something that wasn't really me. I've changed so far from myself that I feel like I don't know how to get back to that fun, happy, go lucky girl. Sad... really... cause I miss her.
I always would sit there and be like "Damn it! When is it going to be my time?" being frustrated, upset, and then cry.
So, I forced myself to fit in change from my true self for people that didn't give a damn about me. I would get mad and frustrated when things wouldn't work out because I allowed these people to change me and devalue my worth. And then blame them for what they done to me when it was something I allowed them to. In turn I was mad at them when I should have been mad at myself. But, I didn't know that then. It's something I just realized now.
Realizing that I was slightly thinking about given up my time with my family when it wasn't right in my spirit to do so. I would have fallen down the same path had I have went against my first mind and would have been mad probably down right furious had it not worked out.
Now, I realized I can't be tamed. I'm in my 30's and I am more outspoken and people don't like that. Why should I? I wasted all of my 20's and the better part of my life being quiet.
This just gave me clarification to keep working toward what I have recently started. That I was never meant to be there anyway. Let my husband tell it I should have left long time ago because he saw my worth when everyone else didn't. I will never regret my decision to take the path and be with my family. They are the greatest gift that I've ever been giving.
I think I just gained clarity.
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